November Update

NOVEMBER UPDATE

Just another small update since my last post and theres alot for me to say this time and some new photos.

My Sean :)

I saw my boyfriend on the 3rd of this month until the 6th, it was a great weekend and one of the best because it was the first time i have ever watched fireworks with a boyfriend :).

Mark & Sean
Sis bf & My bf

We went to the Fireworks Display on the Saturday (3rd Nov) and we went with my sister and her boyfriend Mark. It was a fun night and the fireworks were amazing but it was a pretty cold night.
Felt great being back with my Monkey :) there's no better feeling than being with the one you love and someone tat loves you back just the same.

Sean & Me

Fireworks

Sean,Tammy &Mark

Sean & Me
Photo Took By My Mum

The Only Men I Need In My Life

The rest of the weekend was just amazing and it was just so nice to spend time with my boyfriend and get cuddles which i had really missed and always make me feel so much better. I cant wait to see him again which will hopefully be around Christmas time and i hope he likes the presents i have bought him.






My boyfriend Sean and my dog Beethoven are the only men i need in my life and the only ones i want in my life. Beethoven loves Sean which makes me very happy because before i met Sean my dog was the only constant happiness in my life, it may sound sad but its true.






Now the last few weeks haven't been so great because family problems again this time mostly because of my big sister who i haven't spoke to for a week or so because she called me an attention seeker because i Self-harm and she called my boyfriend the bloke iv only known for a year.

Alice did this because she barely talks to any of us (family) so doesn't know much of what go's on here at home which is her own fault but blames everybody else, The argument happened after she found out via facebook that out brother has Asperger's Syndrome then things just got worse conversation wise. She told me to stay far away from her which will be easy because we never see her and i don't like her boyfriend anyway, I even told her that. I don't really see er as my big sister anymore after everything shes said to me.

Anyway my self-harming has been up and down - had a few slip ups and ruined a good clean streak but Sean is being a great support. My health has been crap recently, there is always something wrong with me and it gets annoying after a while, also had the Flu jab :( horrible still hate needles and was first time getting it.

I'm getting better though which I'm happy about and hopefully nothing will be wrong when I see my boyfriend soon. I really don't know how I got so lucky to have him  in my life.

Update

Update

Just a small update on how things have been going and whats been happening with me and my life.Things have been going better and not so good.

Good:

I seen my boyfriend in August which was great and i had fun, always great seeing my boyfriend. He's the one that's always been there for me when i needed someone to talk too or just distract me from things at home.

My Boyfriend, My Dog & Me 

 Sean is a great friend and an amazing boyfriend. I will be seeing him again this weekend - Fireworks Night - which will be great and first time iv watched firework display with a boyfriend, really looking forward to seeing him again.

It will be 1 year 6 months (18months) since I got together with Sean, times goes so fast but we ave alot of great memories which I'm sure we will keep having. Love my boyfriend lots :).




Not So Good:

Just recently started pulling my hair out, makes me feel self-conscious because of what it does and how it makes me look. I don't realise I'm doing it until someone talks to me or distracts me but luckily I'm seeing my doctor soon to see if anything can be done about. Mostly think its another coping mechanism for  me instead of self-harm. I broke my 11 week clean streak so its now I'm almost 5 weeks clean so still trying hard. I'm still not in contact with my dad and still feel upset whenever i see I'm driving about but i don't hate him as much as i used to.

Back to good stuff been losing weight which has improved how i feel about myself and how i look. Also my sister is 28 weeks pregnant now and very close to her due date (January) which now doesn't feel so far away but we have bought her plenty of things for the baby now. My sister has also moved out and is now staying in her own flat with her boyfriend, seems pretty happy now which makes me happy.


                                         

Good Times

There has been a few good since my last post and it really has been good.

Alice&Boyfriend Davie

I seen my boyfriend in early May which was great and he got to meet my older sister Alice and her boyfriend Davie and it went ok i think. I'm happy everyone seems to like Sean and find him easy to get along with, he's a great guy and i love him. People just need to get past the age difference and see him for who he is, either except it or go to hell really.





Sean got on great with everybody including the pets but mostly my dog Beethoven which i couldn't be happier about. I love my two boys so much.

Sean&My Beethoven

Me&Sean
Tammy&Mark

Tammy is 15 weeks pregnant and engaged to her boyfriend Mark which we are all happy about and i cant wait to become an auntie for the first time. Tammy is due in January and we are already buying the baby things for her.

Me&Sean
May 2012

It's my birthday on the 6th of August and i will be 20 I'm kind of looking forward to it, I'm just not sure what will happen on that day. The best present will be when in see Sean in late August. I can't wait because I'm really missing him lots, its a little hard living a distance away but it doesn't matter once he's here and we are together again. We have been together 1 year 5months. It's been amazing so far and I'm sure it will continue to be as long as we are together.

A Little About Me

I guess i should have started with this but this is just a little more about me and what i have been up-to.

I'm 19 and live in Scotland, i have 2 sisters and a brother. My older sister lives with her fiancee and the rest of us stay at home. We have 5 pets - 2 dogs, a cat and 2 fish, we used 2 have about 13 but now only 5, i love our pets but mostly my dog Beethoven hes a border collie and 9 this year, Barney the other dog a saluki who is 3 or 4 this year, Dexter the cat.

Barney

                                                                   

Dexter

Beethoven

I love to read alot, i have about 300 books of my own and i keep collecting but i would never give away any of my books just like my mum who reads alot aswell. If the weather is nice then i usually go out for walks which i love doing because there is a few nice places to go. I love my boyfriend and love it when i see him because we always have a great time.

me+my boyfriend

my brother

my mum+little sister

I think that's all really about me for now. I have a simple life sometimes but that's how i like it.

Getting Help & Moving On

I've been getting help for the past year or so and it's been bumpy but worth it. My doctor put me on medication and referred me to counselling which helped but i don't need the counselling anymore. I still self-harm but slowly learning to cope with the urges to cut, i once went 9 weeks without cutting so i know i can stop and  i will stop eventually.

The moving on part of this story is leaving my dad in the past and getting on with my family but most importantly   i have an amazing boyfriend Sean, who has been there for me and supporting me through all of this. I've been with Sean 10months at the end of February and it's been emotional but amazing. I don't think i would've managed long without him or gotten the help i needed when i needed it if it wasn't for him. He's been my rock through everything, he treats me great and even puts up with my low and bad moods. I really couldn't have asked for a better boyfriend.

This proved to me that things can get better and will get better if you really want it to. As long as you have someone to support you and someone you trust then you will be alright.

I'm really happy with the way things are going the now with my family and with my boyfriend, i may still cut but i know things will get better and i will stop with the help i have.

What Happened Next

What happened next was a mixture of good and bad things. I think we were all unsure of what to do or how to feel so we just tried to move on without really dealing with it all and that's how it felt for a while until our dad stopped seeing us as much  and every time we saw him it was as if he had changed. He became a totally different guy, he was happier but he wasn't the dad we loved and knew. He moved in with his girlfriend but it was awkward for us to go to their house to see him because the woman was the mum of our friends so that caused us to see him even less.

Things in the house were starting to get better, there was less arguments,less  hating each other and more understanding for a while. We got used to not having a dad and just got on with our lives but i was still self-harming. It got worse when we found out dad was getting married and that it happened without us, we never were invited or thought about. It happened just before my 18th birthday i think (not good with dates), that was one of the worst things to happen since he walked out on us.

I stopped speaking to him for about a year after that and to be honest i don't even think he cared because he didn't try to talk to me or see us after the wedding. Should've realized how bad things were because he couldn't remember any of our birthdays and sometimes didn't  get us anything for Christmas. We gave him plenty of chances to be a good dad and be there for us but he didn't care, he cared more about his new wife and new family.

Got back in touch with him but it's turned out the same again and so far i havnt spoken to him since christmas almost 2 months now and i feel better because of it.

How It Started

This is just a short version of how i became a self-harmer.

I started self-harming when i was about 12, the night my dad left my mum and us, his family. I'm 19 now (almost 20) my sisters 18 & 20 and my brother 16, it was difficult for all of us but it felt worse to me because i was very close to my dad and never thought he would do something like this to us. I guess that's what everyone thinks about their parents that they will never separate/divorce, it might happen to others but not them and then it does.

My way of describing how i felt at the time would be that it was like my world had fallen apart and then i found a way to escape that feeling and many other feelings that i was having at the time. The main thoughts were always why is he doing this?, why did he walk away from us?, didn't he love us?. We found out a little while later that he was cheating, there was another woman who he wanted to be with. He thought it would be a good idea to tell us about the woman after a trip we had, it was a bad ending to a good day.

So that added to the hurt i was already feeling and i self-harmed more and it got worse as the years went on.